Who initiates what

After a really interesting Facebook conversation last night (sorry can't link it's a closed group) about who initiates what activity within an unschooling framework, I thought I'd really take notice today of what happens in a normal day for us and where the ideas come from.

We had a couple of things planned for today, either swimming or taking the skateboard to the park, both our (the parents) ideas which we suggested to the boys and they were happy with. This was yesterday... Isaac burnt his hand last night (luckily this only resulted in a small blister this morning) on the stove so we had a rather sleepless fidgety night (we all sleep together). So this morning I didn't feel up to taking them swimming but I didn't say anything, I waited to see what they wanted to do.
As we got up (all at different times...) I went about my normal tasks of getting breakfast, catching up with emails and tidying up. During the morning the boys made some paper aliens, played with their railway track, the garage and cars and the waterplay canals, played with dolls and dinosaurs in the bath, went outside to fly their aliens, dressed up and played with a board game. It is now 12.20 and they are having a sandwich while watching something on the ipad. All this was completely self initiated, I did not suggest or prepare anything for them, they often asked me for help or just to play with them and I am completely available to them when they do but I find that if I interfere or show them things unprompted they do not like it! So respect is the name of the game.

After lunch as the sun is shining I will suggest the park again and if we all agree that's where we'll go, I think that the suggestion is motivated by the fact that I personally wish to go out for a walk, if the boys don't want to come I can always ask Martin (who luckily is at home a lot now) to look after them so I can go out for a stroll. As the boys are generally exposed to a lot of information, people and materials it is very rare that I feel there is something they "should know" and introduce it unprompted. A simple visit to a museum can produce months of activities, and they ask to go to museums a lot. The world is so full of wonderful things for them to explore and learn about, I try to be agenda-free when it comes to their education as I trust that they are acquiring the knowledge they need. We all love to travel and plan to do more in the future so that will provide with us all with even more learning opportunities.

Ipad, fairies and swimwear

Responding to criticism

Recent comments I have received regarding my parenting (and I'm always surprised when I get them as I think we are completely ok and why would anyone care...) include: 1. Children need guidance as they don't know anything 2. You can't let them do what they want 3. You have to cook for them at set times and they have to eat what you make, you can't run after them making them stuff when they want it, and 4. This type of parenting means more work for you as you never get a break.

Ok, I've been thinking about it all and without getting upset I think that:

1. I like to take the point of view that children know quite a lot about themselves, about what they like/dislike and about being hungry/thirsty/tired/whatever. I can't imagine that the human race would have survived if we knew nothing and needed to be taught everything, who taught the first humans then? I think children are excellent observers, little scientists who love to experiment until they find a good outcome and they do not need me to tell them if they are hot or cold. What they do need me for is to give them unconditional love and support, and lots of help when they need it, they also need me to be a happy fulfilled person, not a dictator obsessed with power struggles.

2. Why not? What are all these terrible things that they cannot do? In our family we like to live by consent so if one family member wants to do something that would cause problems to someone else we talk about it and try to find common good solutions. In this environment it is very rare that the boys engage in harmful activities (to us or themselves), they can make a big mess but if they have spent the afternoon exploring the properties of water who cares if the kitchen is flooded! We can clean up the mess together afterwards.

3. This to me seems rather disrespectful and maybe practical if you are feeding an army. We do prepare breakfast, lunch and supper and the boys choose what they want to eat, if I'm cooking for 30 minutes it makes no difference if I'm making one dish or three (and Martin is a former chef so he can whip up more in less time), but if the boys are not hungry it is not a problem, they can eat later. Reuben is very often hungry in the evening so I do find myself making spaghetti and butter at 10pm! As far as they can (as they are only young) they get their own food and they are free to raid the kitchen whenever they are hungry. This has meant that the boys are in touch with their body and their needs, it has not meant that they only eat chocolate (we have it freely available in the house), in fact they have quite a varied diet.

4. Having been a teacher for 10 years I know that engaging in power struggles and living by control instead of consent is very hard work indeed! A lot more than how we currently live. It may be inconvenient to cook at 10pm but I never thought that being a parent would mean that life would be convenient for me, it wasn't when I was working all the hours of the day, it wasn't convenient to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the British Council and lesson plan for the day. I got paid so is that ok then? Do I not get paid in love and all the satisfactions that come with having children? So I'm happy to be inconvenienced!!

Violent language towards children

This is in no way an attack towards Italian society as I have heard and seen nasty things in the UK too, it's just that I'm here right now and have heard in the last couple of days some things that took me back to my childhood (bad bits from my childhood) and made me very sad.

Yesterday we were in front of the Zoo in Rome and were choosing snacks from a street vendor, a group of about 6 children came running towards us and before they even had a change to get to the stall (full of sweets and toys as well as sandwiches and drinks) one of the women looking after them forcefully said: "This is just a warning but anyone who touches anything will have their hands nailed to the stall", the children seemed not to notice, they continued laughing and running but none of them actually touched anything.
Then, just a few minutes ago, I was queuing in a children's shop waiting to pay for some art materials, two girls in front of me were talking sweetly about their children and how much they would love their new crayons, then one told the other how she had come home from the gym yesterday, found lots of juice spilled on the floor and smacked her toddler, she added it could also have been her daughter so she smacked them both. Her friend replied that of course that's what you do, just in case...

These two exchanges have a lot in common, not just the violence present in the language and the act but in the normalisation of the principle. The children at the zoo must have heard these threats so many times they didn't consciously pick up on the nastiness of that single one, and probably the woman herself had no real intention of nailing anyone's hands down. The girls in the shop never for a moment doubted that smacking is normal and necessary, I saw their faces, they would've been horrified had I said anything.

I wasn't too shocked to hear these things as both occurrences were commonplace for me growing up in Rome in the 70s, I was saddened that parents don't question the way they were brought up and continue making the same mistakes. As what are these things telling the children? Consciously they might not even notice anymore (although smacking is never pleasant), even joke about it, but it must foster a lot of anger inside, a sense of helplessness, a feeling that the world is not a kind and safe place and parents can turn against their own children very quickly, that no one is loved unconditionally, that aggression and depression (I felt both as a consequence of this sort of discipline or violence masquerading as love) are normal parts of being human.

I do notice a difference between the boys and a lot of other children we meet, they certainly are not obedient and they do touch toys and sweets on stalls, they do occasionally spill their juice (so do I!!), argue with me and generally have a mind of their own, and that is ok, it might not be very convenient (for me) but it means that when we are happy together, when we are all running around the woods or making something or cooking, going to the theatre, reading, travelling, even tidying up together, it is because they truly want to, we are truly united, we are not scared of each other.

Reflections after a week in Rome

We had had some difficult times at home and I was looking forward to spending some time in Rome, as well as looking forward to the train across France and Italy adventure. After a few days here I decided I would like to spend more than two weeks here and luckily my partner is joining us here for Reuben's birthday so I have cancelled my journey back and we will reschedule together.
This has meant that I have come out of holiday mode, frantic to do everything on my list, to relax, have a rest and just enjoy walking around and reading books mode.
I also noticed a really bad tendency on my part to get frustrated and cross and to transmit this to the boys, especially when they wake up at night! As I am free from most worries here I have had the time to reflect on my behaviour and how I have distanced myself from the Buddhist values I so much care for. Mainly love and compassion (and respect for others). So I have embarked on a more compassionate and loving way of responding to my own anger and the children's frustrations, I didn't realise how bad it had got until I started trying to change it, I often felt that as our autonomous way of life is so right then other factors must be to blame for lingering problems. Well that's not true. I am responsible for my reactions and the boys rely on me to show them love and compassion unconditionally. It is a bit like a chef making a cake not using enough sugar then getting upset that the cake is not sweet enough, or even blaming the cake.

So this is turning out to be more than a holiday, and I have to say that I just enjoy the simple pleasure of walking around Rome, today we went out after it had rained, it was becoming dark and the lights were coming on, I felt very happy indeed!

Child routines and depression, comment on the BBC articles

I was looking at the BBC news website over breakfast and came across two interesting articles. I tend to avoid the education section now as it just depresses me and hopefully the boys will never have to experience the shambles that is state education in the UK, but these caught my eye.
The first one was about levels of depression amongst young school leavers and how they are unable to cope with everyday life, if they do not go straight from school to college or university they cannot cope is the message, finding a good job is difficult and teenagers experience high levels of stress which leads to depression.
The second article was about the importance of routine for children and how young people with no set bedtimes do badly in exams... The implication (which I strongly resented) was that good parenting is equal to a very structured life for children.

Now call me a dissident hippie but I can see a connection here. You put your baby/child on a routine straight away, tell them what to do and when to do it and take away the ability to make independent and informed decisions. Then send them to nursery and school where they will find more of the same, the ability to follow rules and produce the results that someone else has decided for them is applauded, independent thought and creativity is not. The child turns into a teenager, if everything has gone to plan they will go to a good university thus remaining in a controlling system, then maybe work for a big corporation and contribute to society. But what happens if the teenagers fails to conform? If they want something different for themselves? With no skills to navigate the world outside of institutions it takes a very strong person indeed to succeed. And the others? As the BBC tells us, they become depressed.

So my children will have a very loving family environment, I am involved in their life 24/7, I care for them and help them with what they need and want, I also follow my own pursuits and interests, we are all part of the same unit and we are respectful of each other, we find good solutions not compromises and we do not coerce each other. I like cooking for them but if they are not hungry at 12 on the dot they do not have to eat, they go to sleep in the evening, anything between 8 and 10 but are not forced into bed against their will. They are learning to live in the real world right now! It will not hit them in the face when they are 18, they travel, meet people from different backgrounds and countries, they paint without interruption, learn to read and write at their own pace and are free to follow their interests within a very loving and safe environment. I think that these are the things that matter, the world is not a scary and stressful place for them but a playground filled with wonderful opportunities.

Confidence in my beliefs

I made a comment the other day that made me think, I said that while a lot of parents follow the same philosophy as us and find a lot of opposition, I found that being calmly confident about my choices results in people leaving me alone!
Instead of comparing myself with others (whom I might know very little about) maybe it is more useful to compare myself with a younger, less confident Francesca and see what has changed. It is true that I find little opposition and no one has ever attacked me over my choices, my family might be surprised at some things but they seem to believe I know what I'm doing so live and let live. But in the past week or so I have found myself having to explain myself and the way we live to people very close to me indeed and I noticed something interesting: I do not get flustered, I listen to what they say, think about it and respond accordingly. I do not take for granted that they are automatically right or wrong and have no problem in saying that I don't agree with them or that they have a good point.
A younger me would not have done that, a younger me would have felt that maybe the other person was right and questioned my beliefs, I probably would have become confused and flustered and, even if my reasoning was sound, it might not have come across that way.

What has changed then? I think it's partly because I have done so much reading and observing and living with the children in an attached non-judgemental way, I see what works and what doesn't and I build my ideas and parenting around that. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I am sure the road will lead me to different places still. I was having a conversation today about things like screen time and discipline, the other person had some valid points but was opposed to my ideas, I felt as we were speaking that I must not become angry and defensive, by alienating this person I would only cause bad feelings between us and who would benefit? Surely not the children. The feeling of wanting to keep the conversation open and friendly was overwhelming for a minute, I tried to listen respectfully although it was difficult but the relationship between us is important to me. I think that we were both able to say our piece and come to a good solution, not a compromise, hopefully a good solution for both of us. If I had become upset or angry, the validity of my ideas would have suffered, I feel. Had it been someone else and had the other person been negative and in strong opposition, I still feel that getting angry would not have helped, in the end I can only change what I believe in and others are fully entitled to their own opinions, I have lost a good friendship for this specific reason, she could not accept our way of life and sadly we had to say goodbye. But I wish her no ill and hope her children thrive as mine do.

Money matters

We recently have had a change in circumstances, for the better I hope! My partner has sold the business he worked very hard to create and run for over 20 years, so we now find ourselves in the situation of having some funds in the bank but no more income, we are planning on investing these funds but in the meantime we are being very careful with what we spend.
This is a major reorganisation and rethink operation for me, up to now I have spent whatever I felt was needed and wanted, if the boys asked for something I would get it for them and I think this attitude has (against the common idea that it creates spoilt and greedy children) worked well for us as the boys always asked for things they would enjoy and play with/use for a long time, very rarely have they asked for something that was not used, in fact I can't really think of anything... Having the freedom to purchase things has led them to try new foods and games and has not turned them into greedy consumers at all, in fact they seem to be very discerning about what they buy!

But this has had to change as I am now on a budget, so what has changed? And has it been that bad?

• The weekly shopping. We used to pop into Tesco or the farm shop whenever we needed something but I was spending a lot this way. Now I do my weekly shopping online and visit the farm shop just once a week. The boys can still ask to get things but now it all goes on the shopping list. This has cut my spending by half, I feel more organised, we don't have to trawl through the nightmare supermarket and the boys can still pick things our for themselves in the farm shop.
• Outings, as with the shopping we would go out whenever we felt like it. Now we tend to organise a big day out every couple of weeks (we had the Birmingham science museum this week), we have a long list on the wall of places we like or would like to visit, we decide in advance but we also see how everyone feels on the day. This also means packing a picnic instead of having lunch in cafes but it hasn't changed our enjoyment of the day!
• Regular activities. Nothing has really changed here as I know how much everything will cost (things like the home ed group and gymnastics) and have budgeted for it.
• Materials. The boys go through A LOT of arts and crafts materials. Changes I have had to make is save our purchases for a once a month trip to the children's craft shop in nearby Melton Mowbray, it is inexpensive, the materials are good and the boys can pick their own supplies. And for more specialised materials (the boys like to use "proper" arts materials, like acrylics, inks and oil pastels) I also save the purchase for once a month (often every two months) at the Great Art website.

• Making the most of local free facilities. We have always done this but now more so, we very much enjoy all our local museums, parks and playgrounds.
• Making the most of staying at home. I always used to fret that we had to be "doing something" but the autonomous way of life has shown me that creativity, insights and imagination cannot be rushed, they need space to develop. Over the years we have build up a lovely children's collection of books, resources and software for the computer and ipads as well as an extensive list of websites the boys use. They have model railways and toys like lego to play with as well as a large garden and a stream at the bottom of the lane.
• Travel. This is probably the most expensive thing we do, changes have included using the caravan more,staying with relatives and planning in more detail.

Ultimately we all feel that we would rather spend money on doing things opposed to having things, we are certainly time rich so can be more resourceful and not always go for the instant gratification option. We will have more money in the future but this is a valuable lesson for me and I feel that I won't go back to just spending without thought again

A few changes

I have not been writing in this blog for a few weeks now, it was a combination of having to deal with personal issues and a need to change direction. I liked the idea of a sharing resources, of posting about the good stuff we did and discovered but this led to some problems. Mainly I found myself worrying about not offending anyone who might have a different approach from us, and as a family of very autonomous learners this proved difficult. I also found myself not fully immersed in the boys' activities as I was always taking pictures and thinking about the blog angle... not good!

But I love writing and I love this platform so the most honest thing for me to do is record my thoughts and our family journey. Not everyone is prepared to embrace a free range way of life and that's ok, but I have done so much soul searching, thinking and questioning these last few years that I would like to share the journey.
Other changes I have made are to the look of the blog and the removal of all ads as I felt slightly uncomfortable with them, I am also no longer affiliated with Amazon or any other sponsor.