Who initiates what

After a really interesting Facebook conversation last night (sorry can't link it's a closed group) about who initiates what activity within an unschooling framework, I thought I'd really take notice today of what happens in a normal day for us and where the ideas come from.

We had a couple of things planned for today, either swimming or taking the skateboard to the park, both our (the parents) ideas which we suggested to the boys and they were happy with. This was yesterday... Isaac burnt his hand last night (luckily this only resulted in a small blister this morning) on the stove so we had a rather sleepless fidgety night (we all sleep together). So this morning I didn't feel up to taking them swimming but I didn't say anything, I waited to see what they wanted to do.
As we got up (all at different times...) I went about my normal tasks of getting breakfast, catching up with emails and tidying up. During the morning the boys made some paper aliens, played with their railway track, the garage and cars and the waterplay canals, played with dolls and dinosaurs in the bath, went outside to fly their aliens, dressed up and played with a board game. It is now 12.20 and they are having a sandwich while watching something on the ipad. All this was completely self initiated, I did not suggest or prepare anything for them, they often asked me for help or just to play with them and I am completely available to them when they do but I find that if I interfere or show them things unprompted they do not like it! So respect is the name of the game.

After lunch as the sun is shining I will suggest the park again and if we all agree that's where we'll go, I think that the suggestion is motivated by the fact that I personally wish to go out for a walk, if the boys don't want to come I can always ask Martin (who luckily is at home a lot now) to look after them so I can go out for a stroll. As the boys are generally exposed to a lot of information, people and materials it is very rare that I feel there is something they "should know" and introduce it unprompted. A simple visit to a museum can produce months of activities, and they ask to go to museums a lot. The world is so full of wonderful things for them to explore and learn about, I try to be agenda-free when it comes to their education as I trust that they are acquiring the knowledge they need. We all love to travel and plan to do more in the future so that will provide with us all with even more learning opportunities.

Ipad, fairies and swimwear

Responding to criticism

Recent comments I have received regarding my parenting (and I'm always surprised when I get them as I think we are completely ok and why would anyone care...) include: 1. Children need guidance as they don't know anything 2. You can't let them do what they want 3. You have to cook for them at set times and they have to eat what you make, you can't run after them making them stuff when they want it, and 4. This type of parenting means more work for you as you never get a break.

Ok, I've been thinking about it all and without getting upset I think that:

1. I like to take the point of view that children know quite a lot about themselves, about what they like/dislike and about being hungry/thirsty/tired/whatever. I can't imagine that the human race would have survived if we knew nothing and needed to be taught everything, who taught the first humans then? I think children are excellent observers, little scientists who love to experiment until they find a good outcome and they do not need me to tell them if they are hot or cold. What they do need me for is to give them unconditional love and support, and lots of help when they need it, they also need me to be a happy fulfilled person, not a dictator obsessed with power struggles.

2. Why not? What are all these terrible things that they cannot do? In our family we like to live by consent so if one family member wants to do something that would cause problems to someone else we talk about it and try to find common good solutions. In this environment it is very rare that the boys engage in harmful activities (to us or themselves), they can make a big mess but if they have spent the afternoon exploring the properties of water who cares if the kitchen is flooded! We can clean up the mess together afterwards.

3. This to me seems rather disrespectful and maybe practical if you are feeding an army. We do prepare breakfast, lunch and supper and the boys choose what they want to eat, if I'm cooking for 30 minutes it makes no difference if I'm making one dish or three (and Martin is a former chef so he can whip up more in less time), but if the boys are not hungry it is not a problem, they can eat later. Reuben is very often hungry in the evening so I do find myself making spaghetti and butter at 10pm! As far as they can (as they are only young) they get their own food and they are free to raid the kitchen whenever they are hungry. This has meant that the boys are in touch with their body and their needs, it has not meant that they only eat chocolate (we have it freely available in the house), in fact they have quite a varied diet.

4. Having been a teacher for 10 years I know that engaging in power struggles and living by control instead of consent is very hard work indeed! A lot more than how we currently live. It may be inconvenient to cook at 10pm but I never thought that being a parent would mean that life would be convenient for me, it wasn't when I was working all the hours of the day, it wasn't convenient to get up at the crack of dawn to go to the British Council and lesson plan for the day. I got paid so is that ok then? Do I not get paid in love and all the satisfactions that come with having children? So I'm happy to be inconvenienced!!

Violent language towards children

This is in no way an attack towards Italian society as I have heard and seen nasty things in the UK too, it's just that I'm here right now and have heard in the last couple of days some things that took me back to my childhood (bad bits from my childhood) and made me very sad.

Yesterday we were in front of the Zoo in Rome and were choosing snacks from a street vendor, a group of about 6 children came running towards us and before they even had a change to get to the stall (full of sweets and toys as well as sandwiches and drinks) one of the women looking after them forcefully said: "This is just a warning but anyone who touches anything will have their hands nailed to the stall", the children seemed not to notice, they continued laughing and running but none of them actually touched anything.
Then, just a few minutes ago, I was queuing in a children's shop waiting to pay for some art materials, two girls in front of me were talking sweetly about their children and how much they would love their new crayons, then one told the other how she had come home from the gym yesterday, found lots of juice spilled on the floor and smacked her toddler, she added it could also have been her daughter so she smacked them both. Her friend replied that of course that's what you do, just in case...

These two exchanges have a lot in common, not just the violence present in the language and the act but in the normalisation of the principle. The children at the zoo must have heard these threats so many times they didn't consciously pick up on the nastiness of that single one, and probably the woman herself had no real intention of nailing anyone's hands down. The girls in the shop never for a moment doubted that smacking is normal and necessary, I saw their faces, they would've been horrified had I said anything.

I wasn't too shocked to hear these things as both occurrences were commonplace for me growing up in Rome in the 70s, I was saddened that parents don't question the way they were brought up and continue making the same mistakes. As what are these things telling the children? Consciously they might not even notice anymore (although smacking is never pleasant), even joke about it, but it must foster a lot of anger inside, a sense of helplessness, a feeling that the world is not a kind and safe place and parents can turn against their own children very quickly, that no one is loved unconditionally, that aggression and depression (I felt both as a consequence of this sort of discipline or violence masquerading as love) are normal parts of being human.

I do notice a difference between the boys and a lot of other children we meet, they certainly are not obedient and they do touch toys and sweets on stalls, they do occasionally spill their juice (so do I!!), argue with me and generally have a mind of their own, and that is ok, it might not be very convenient (for me) but it means that when we are happy together, when we are all running around the woods or making something or cooking, going to the theatre, reading, travelling, even tidying up together, it is because they truly want to, we are truly united, we are not scared of each other.

Confidence in my beliefs

I made a comment the other day that made me think, I said that while a lot of parents follow the same philosophy as us and find a lot of opposition, I found that being calmly confident about my choices results in people leaving me alone!
Instead of comparing myself with others (whom I might know very little about) maybe it is more useful to compare myself with a younger, less confident Francesca and see what has changed. It is true that I find little opposition and no one has ever attacked me over my choices, my family might be surprised at some things but they seem to believe I know what I'm doing so live and let live. But in the past week or so I have found myself having to explain myself and the way we live to people very close to me indeed and I noticed something interesting: I do not get flustered, I listen to what they say, think about it and respond accordingly. I do not take for granted that they are automatically right or wrong and have no problem in saying that I don't agree with them or that they have a good point.
A younger me would not have done that, a younger me would have felt that maybe the other person was right and questioned my beliefs, I probably would have become confused and flustered and, even if my reasoning was sound, it might not have come across that way.

What has changed then? I think it's partly because I have done so much reading and observing and living with the children in an attached non-judgemental way, I see what works and what doesn't and I build my ideas and parenting around that. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I am sure the road will lead me to different places still. I was having a conversation today about things like screen time and discipline, the other person had some valid points but was opposed to my ideas, I felt as we were speaking that I must not become angry and defensive, by alienating this person I would only cause bad feelings between us and who would benefit? Surely not the children. The feeling of wanting to keep the conversation open and friendly was overwhelming for a minute, I tried to listen respectfully although it was difficult but the relationship between us is important to me. I think that we were both able to say our piece and come to a good solution, not a compromise, hopefully a good solution for both of us. If I had become upset or angry, the validity of my ideas would have suffered, I feel. Had it been someone else and had the other person been negative and in strong opposition, I still feel that getting angry would not have helped, in the end I can only change what I believe in and others are fully entitled to their own opinions, I have lost a good friendship for this specific reason, she could not accept our way of life and sadly we had to say goodbye. But I wish her no ill and hope her children thrive as mine do.

Be the change you wish to see in your children

This sentence means so much to me!! The banner was designed by Lauren Fisher at Sparkling Adventures, see here for the original post. You can download it from her post and she will also send you a sticker if you send her an email.
In her words: Whenever I see behaviour in our own children that I don’t like, I stop and examine myself to see where I model it in the first instance. I can’t necessarily change my children, but I can change myself.
I also liked: Let’s not waste any more time blaming others, our environment or our life circumstances. We can improve the world today, simply by first improving ourselves. For the sakes of our children, let’s start changing today.