Reuben's dreadlocks

In my opinion Reuben has gorgeous hair, he loves it long and it makes him instantly recognisable.

We have had a bit of a problem lately though as he doesn't like to have it brushed, I used to put a lot of conditioner on it once a week and brush it in the bath but he has now refused to be subjected to this! The result of course has been a lot of knotted hair at the back. After much discussing the issue, absolute non concern on his part and much concern on mine (dirty hair, nits we might not be able to get rid of, it looks a mess and he might be teased, etc etc) he seemed happy to consider dreadlocks. I have never had them myself so off I went to research dread maintanance (with much help from my friend H) and they seemed harder to look after than regular hair. I wanted to avoid using products at this stage so I just separated the locks in the morning, he was ok with this! It still looked a horrible mess... As you can see below all that happened is that the tangles came together in long tangles and it looked nothing like dreads anyway.

A mess of matted locks

I even started to question my motives, he doesn't care why do I? NIts? They've never had them. Am I bothered about what people think? To an extent yes I am... but that's my problem, and I just like the boys to look nice. What does nice mean? According to what culture and to whose ideas? Do I have a cool hippie skater/surfer child look in mind? Oh dear, yes I think I do! So is there any way we can come to a good solution? I found it this morning while he was in the bath, he is still adamant that he wants it long and not brushed (he has two long baths a day so I'm not concerned with cleanliness) so I will still continue to separate the locks in the morning and if it gets too matted I will do what I did today: I took the scissors to it! Not to cut it but to separate the locks even further so he doesn't get the matted messy look, just lots of small thin locks. I think we are both ok with it now. Most people probably think this is madness, just hold him still and brush the damn hair! But I feel very respectful of his wishes, after all it is his head!

Our "good solution": lots of smaller locks

Snow in Hitchin

Since my last post we have once more turned nomadic and we are now in Hitchin, Hertfordshire! This is where my mother is from and we are currently taking advantage of the fact that one of her properties is empty, well... It's not empty anymore!

This morning we woke up to a very white world and of course the boys were in the garden until their feet froze and clothes were soaking wet, they eventually retreated to ask for porridge, toast and tomato soup, all together!!

Reflections after a week in Rome

We had had some difficult times at home and I was looking forward to spending some time in Rome, as well as looking forward to the train across France and Italy adventure. After a few days here I decided I would like to spend more than two weeks here and luckily my partner is joining us here for Reuben's birthday so I have cancelled my journey back and we will reschedule together.
This has meant that I have come out of holiday mode, frantic to do everything on my list, to relax, have a rest and just enjoy walking around and reading books mode.
I also noticed a really bad tendency on my part to get frustrated and cross and to transmit this to the boys, especially when they wake up at night! As I am free from most worries here I have had the time to reflect on my behaviour and how I have distanced myself from the Buddhist values I so much care for. Mainly love and compassion (and respect for others). So I have embarked on a more compassionate and loving way of responding to my own anger and the children's frustrations, I didn't realise how bad it had got until I started trying to change it, I often felt that as our autonomous way of life is so right then other factors must be to blame for lingering problems. Well that's not true. I am responsible for my reactions and the boys rely on me to show them love and compassion unconditionally. It is a bit like a chef making a cake not using enough sugar then getting upset that the cake is not sweet enough, or even blaming the cake.

So this is turning out to be more than a holiday, and I have to say that I just enjoy the simple pleasure of walking around Rome, today we went out after it had rained, it was becoming dark and the lights were coming on, I felt very happy indeed!

Photos!!

I had a big doh! moment yesterday. Being used to my photos travelling by wireless between all my various devices, I was momentary stuck here in Rome as there is no wireless or 3G... Then of course it occurred to me: just plug the phone into my mum's computer, something is bound to happen! So I now have photos to share.

The sleeper train Paris to Rome

Breakfast on the sleeper train

Running down the corridor on the train

Top bunk

The house of the Owls in Rome's Villa Torlonia

The House of the Owls also has snakes!

Rainbows inside the House of the Owls

Their favourite spot in the Villa

Making colourful dinosaurs

Our closest playground

Leicester to Rome by train

I have no photos yet as I'm writing on a computer in a house with no wireless and all the pictures are on my iphone, but I'm sure I'll work it out!
So our epic train journey is over, till we go back that is. It went really well and we only had one hitch.

Train n.1 Leicester to London was super smooth as I got a first class ticket for a pittance by booking well in advance, the boys didn't pay as they are still under 5, so in just over an hour we were in London.
There we had the strange experience of checking in and going through customs for the Eurostar as if we were boarding a plane, it was very busy and I didn't realise how many people can fit on one of these trains but all plain sailing. It is a pain getting on and off trains with a pushchair so I wouldn't recommend it, if Isaac had still been happy to go in the carrier I wouldn't have bothered but I have to say that me and the boys are so in tune with each other that we didn't have any problems, the pushchair had to be folded to get on and off the European trains as they are much higher up than the standard UK ones but the boys got very good at hopping on and off and negotiating the steps and the crowds. So train n.2 was the Eurostar London to Paris, we were in standard class and were quite cramped as Isaac didn't pay but had to sit on my lap, next time I'll make sure we have seat with a table. The journey wasn't too bad, just over 2 hours, but Reuben sang the whole way (the same song...) and as lovely as it is by the end most passengers were getting a little tired of it, Isaac just wanted to jump up and down...

So we got to Paris in perfect time, I had booked a (expensive) taxi but when we got to the end of the platform there was no one there to meet us, very worrying as we needed to get to another station for train n.3. I called the taxi office and they assured me the driver would be there asap, so this did not start well. It went from bad to worse. The driver turned up and we rushed to the car, as I was folding the pushchair he helped the boys into their car seats and they must have sensed something amiss as they both immediately started to cry. They had been fine up to then and taxi drivers often help me with the boys so it was weird, I put it down to them being tired. We got in the car and even with me sitting next to them they continued to cry, the driver offered them a sweet and Isaac immediately became quiet and went for the sweety, as Reuben was still crying the driver then started being slightly unpleasant telling him he could only have it if he stopped crying. Reuben has never encountered this sort of punishment/reward attitude and didn't understand it, he is also not scared of adults so he replied that he was upset and did not want the sweet. The man got quite cross at this and proceeded to be  more an more unpleasant to Reuben calling him a baby, telling him he would stop the car and leave us if Reuben didn't stop crying and that he wouldn't take us home, he also mocked him and explicitly told him he didn't want to listen to crying in his car. I asked him please to leave my child alone as he is still 4 years old and had been travelling since that morning, this resulted in him being angry at me too, he then proceeded to call someone on his mobile and spoke on the phone while driving all the way to the gare de Lyon at which point he dumped us without helping with my bags. I complained to the taxi company and they assured me they would not use him again as this behaviour was unacceptable, I'm sorry he lost the job but it was extremely distressing for us.

As soon as we were out of the taxi and into the station, Reuben was ok again. We had an hour before train n.3, the sleeper Paris to Rome so we had something to eat and watched all the chic Parisians! The boys did a lot of running around and happiness was restored. Gare de Lyon is a very pretty station, I will find out more before we go back so we did not mind spending a bit of time there.
And so on to the most exciting train of all, the sleepy train (as Reuben calls it). We boarded about 30 minutes before it left, everyone was very kind and helpful and the boys loved our little cabin, they climbed all over it and it was nice not to worry about disturbing anyone. We attempted dinner in the restaurant car but the boys were so excited they broke two glasses in the first 5 minutes so we ordered supper and ate it in our cabin, someone had made the bunk beds but I felt the train was too rocky to sleep in the top one so I put the mattress on the floor and made a little bed for Reuben while me and Isaac slept on the bottom bunk. The boys didn't go to sleep till quite late but then slept through to about half past 7, we had breakfast and the boys enjoyed running up and down the corridor until we got to Rome amazingly refreshed!

So yes it was a success and I look forward to doing it all over again in reverse in two weeks time!

Gare de Lyon in Paris

Our big train journey starts tomorrow

We are all in a state of nervous excitement about tomorrow, as this is when we begin our train journey to Rome. I planned it with the help of The Man in Seat Sixty-One website, he knows nothing about travelling with children but a lot about travelling on trains, so the advice I found there was invaluable, he even has videos of the trains and how to navigate metros and taxi ranks! (added note: actually he does have some advice for travelling with children, including what sling to use!!! See this page)
So this is what we have planned, hope it goes smoothly:

We take a train from Leicester arriving at London St Pancras at 12.30, we then have an hour to do some food shopping for lunch and dinner (as otherwise the cost escalates...) and check in for the Eurostar journey to Paris, we arrive in Paris at 5pm and here I had a chicken moment and booked a private taxi to pick us up and take us from the Gare du Nord to the Gare de Lyon. My motivation was that at that point it will be dark, I have two hours to get from one train to the next, I have two small children, a big pushchair and a big rucksack, queues for taxis can be long and it will be rush hour and my French is crap... So I parted with an extra 65Euros, steep... but I'm less worried.
From the Gare de Lyon we take the Thello sleeper train straight to Rome, I booked a cabin just for us, again this was more costly than a couchette but I wouldn't be able to sleep with the boys in a shared compartment. And hopefully we'll get to Rome at 10am the next day!!
My main motivations for this are a sense of adventure, how much more the boys will learn and see compared to taking a plane and my total terror at flying!

I'm taking just one rucksack that can fit on my back so won't be able to carry Isaac in the Kinderpack (he doesn't like being carried anymore anyway) and the double pushchair, I seldom use it as the boys now like to walk but Rome is a little dangerous traffic wise and some places require the amount of walking that a 5 and 3 year old struggle with, it's a pain to lug onto trains and buses but I'm guessing it's the last year I use it. So now I just need to pack our clothes and go! Will keep you posted.

All of us in Rome last year when we drove through Europe

The poc pocs

I had been quite upset again today and the weather didn't help, we had planned a morning out at a Xmas fair but it was pouring with rain and the brook flooded again making it difficult to cross with the car. So we spent the day at home and the boys came up with a great idea that cheered us all up immensely and provided hours of fun.
Isaac was playing simultaneously with his Lego and play clay when he asked me to make a poc poc (small creatures from the cartoon Abney and Teal that the boys adore), Reuben immediately lifted his head from the iPad and came to help as he knows where the eyes go... This was addictive, we made loads of poc pocs, made them cardboard houses and forgot all our upsets!! I heartily recommend it. Oh and excuse the dark evening photos.

The Poc Poc house

Evening Lego

Poc Poc with Xmas tree

Creative problem solving

Have to share this, my family thinks I'm mad doing all this problem solving with a 2 and 4 year old!
The problem: the boys have been going to sleep later and later and waking up later and later, I don't have a problem with them staying up late and going to bed with me but they are now not sleepy till 11 or midnight and I'm really tired by then. So last night, as Reuben was wriggling in bed not able to sleep, we had a little conversation where I suggested maybe him waking up a little earlier, he didn't seem convinced. This morning, as it was past 9.30 and they were blissfully asleep I decided to start drawing the curtains and mumbling about hot milk. They stirred but didn't want to get up, I felt I was being a little coercive here so when Reuben piped his head up to tell me I was sitting on his leg (unintentionally) I asked him how we could resolve this problem as I wanted them to get their sleep and feel comfy but I also needed to sleep at night. The resulting solution you can see in the photo below!!! We'll wake up early but can we have jam sandwiches and iPads in bed?

A little struggle but much hope

We're still struggling with some personal stuff, nothing to do with the boys, but we all certainly have been better! Today, on the winter solstice, I am trying to concentrate on the good things we have and how grateful I am for them. I am also wondering how to fix what is damaged and make some good plans for the future. I enjoyed going out to watch the sunset and lighting candles and the fire in our fireplace, it was very comforting.
I also spent a good two hours this morning finally booking our train adventure Leicester to Rome, we leave on the 3rd January and we are very excited. We will be catching three trains including the sleeper Paris to Rome which Reuben calls the sleepy train! And spending a couple of hours in Paris, hope there's a chic Parisian playground near the station!!!

I am a little ambivalent about Christmas as it all seems to be about the presents, in our current state of mind we've not been able to muster much seasonal cheer and not being in a Christian environment makes the celebration a little abstract for the boys. I have been talking to them about this time of the year being important for many reasons and they saw a small nativity play the other day so they might slowly be making sense of it. I hate lying about Santa but my partner has forbidden me to ruin the magic so we have come to a compromise where the boys know that relatives but them presents but Santa delivers them... A sort of glorified postman really...

So I remain ever optimistic and hope things will take a positive spin soon, I look forward to seeing my family in Italy and maybe the boys can finally start speaking some Italian... Bilingual unfortunately they are not!!

Art with Isaac

The boys have access to a wide range of arts materials, Reuben likes to work on projects where he knows what the outcome will be (generally decided by him but he also likes to look through books and websites for ideas) but Isaac is quite different. Any suggestion is met with cries of horror and hurt pride! He likes to have all the materials spread out on the table or the floor and he will go where inspiration takes him! He also likes to contribute to the large cooperative paintings we do. I put a large canvas or sheet of paper on the floor or wall and we all get stuck in, me and Reuben will have an idea of what we're doing (like an animal or space scene) but Isaac is more free wheeling. On a recent Xmas night scene he insisted we have dinosaurs! I hope he never changes!!

A mummy and Isaac production

I love the upside down canvas

Money matters

We recently have had a change in circumstances, for the better I hope! My partner has sold the business he worked very hard to create and run for over 20 years, so we now find ourselves in the situation of having some funds in the bank but no more income, we are planning on investing these funds but in the meantime we are being very careful with what we spend.
This is a major reorganisation and rethink operation for me, up to now I have spent whatever I felt was needed and wanted, if the boys asked for something I would get it for them and I think this attitude has (against the common idea that it creates spoilt and greedy children) worked well for us as the boys always asked for things they would enjoy and play with/use for a long time, very rarely have they asked for something that was not used, in fact I can't really think of anything... Having the freedom to purchase things has led them to try new foods and games and has not turned them into greedy consumers at all, in fact they seem to be very discerning about what they buy!

But this has had to change as I am now on a budget, so what has changed? And has it been that bad?

• The weekly shopping. We used to pop into Tesco or the farm shop whenever we needed something but I was spending a lot this way. Now I do my weekly shopping online and visit the farm shop just once a week. The boys can still ask to get things but now it all goes on the shopping list. This has cut my spending by half, I feel more organised, we don't have to trawl through the nightmare supermarket and the boys can still pick things our for themselves in the farm shop.
• Outings, as with the shopping we would go out whenever we felt like it. Now we tend to organise a big day out every couple of weeks (we had the Birmingham science museum this week), we have a long list on the wall of places we like or would like to visit, we decide in advance but we also see how everyone feels on the day. This also means packing a picnic instead of having lunch in cafes but it hasn't changed our enjoyment of the day!
• Regular activities. Nothing has really changed here as I know how much everything will cost (things like the home ed group and gymnastics) and have budgeted for it.
• Materials. The boys go through A LOT of arts and crafts materials. Changes I have had to make is save our purchases for a once a month trip to the children's craft shop in nearby Melton Mowbray, it is inexpensive, the materials are good and the boys can pick their own supplies. And for more specialised materials (the boys like to use "proper" arts materials, like acrylics, inks and oil pastels) I also save the purchase for once a month (often every two months) at the Great Art website.

• Making the most of local free facilities. We have always done this but now more so, we very much enjoy all our local museums, parks and playgrounds.
• Making the most of staying at home. I always used to fret that we had to be "doing something" but the autonomous way of life has shown me that creativity, insights and imagination cannot be rushed, they need space to develop. Over the years we have build up a lovely children's collection of books, resources and software for the computer and ipads as well as an extensive list of websites the boys use. They have model railways and toys like lego to play with as well as a large garden and a stream at the bottom of the lane.
• Travel. This is probably the most expensive thing we do, changes have included using the caravan more,staying with relatives and planning in more detail.

Ultimately we all feel that we would rather spend money on doing things opposed to having things, we are certainly time rich so can be more resourceful and not always go for the instant gratification option. We will have more money in the future but this is a valuable lesson for me and I feel that I won't go back to just spending without thought again

You can lead a horse to water...

One of the things that bothered me about how the blog was going was the way I was portraying the boys, as if they were magical creatures who spent their waking time engaged in wonderful activities with never a cross word between us... and of course that's really not how it is... here's an account of a disastrous afternoon and how we learnt from it.

After a few weeks of really crappy weather which included a flood and our vegetables freezing, this weekend finally the sun shone! So this morning I asked the boys if they wanted to go to the park/woods/anywhere outside of the house! They didn't... Reuben wanted to play games on Disney Junior and Isaac wanted to play with the ipad, they even closed the curtains as the sun was too bright and they couldn't see their screens... So this is where I made my mistake! You would think that someone like me who spends a lot of time going on about non-coercion, would immediately see the possible scenarios here. I didn't... I was so desperate to go out that I decided for everyone that that was what we were going to do, I picked their favourite park and playground and made them a picnic with their favourite food, waited till there was a lull in the games and bundled them into the car. Oh foolish woman! It didn't matter that they love that particular park and food, they hadn't made the decision to go there and to eat it, I had.

As soon as we got there Reuben said he was tired and needed to be carried, but as we got to the playground they seemed happy enough.

Knighton Park in Leicester

It only lasted about 15 minutes, Reuben got very angry with something he couldn't do on his own, shouted at me to do it for him, I helped him for a while but it wasn't making him any happier and I hated the task (using a digger to make a hole out of very wet sand), the fact that he was making me feel coerced and cross did not escape me. Isaac was hungry so we tried to sit down for lunch and Reuben wasn't hungry and got cross and upset again, to the point that I suggested maybe we should go back to the car, much shouting ensued... go for a walk then? We then went for what turned out to be a nice walk but the mood was ruined and Reuben was cross. We had our (very late) lunch in the car. I tried to salvage the situation by suggesting a film but the next show we wanted to see was nearly 2 hours later, so we went home.

But in the car on the way back we discussed what had happened and had a think about how we could do it better next time. Suggestions included Reuben playing his game till HE was ready to go out (we could have done, we had nothing else planned) and mummy going for a walk in the garden (we do have a huge garden that we rarely use in the winter, I saw a fox earlier this morning and there's horses in the paddock so I could have found plenty to do there and Reuben could have played his games), we then planned the cinema for tomorrow and a walk in town to see the Xmas lights.
My mistake was making decisions based on what I thought was good for the boys, surely a few hours in the park are better than spending ages in front of a screen? But any activity, as good and healthy as it may be, cannot really be appreciated if someone has forced us into it. And any good that might have come from being in the fresh air was overrun by all the anger and upset that Reuben felt. In a way I am lucky that Reuben is very vocal and articulate and has no problems in expressing his feelings, I always know when something is not right and needs fixing!!!

A few changes

I have not been writing in this blog for a few weeks now, it was a combination of having to deal with personal issues and a need to change direction. I liked the idea of a sharing resources, of posting about the good stuff we did and discovered but this led to some problems. Mainly I found myself worrying about not offending anyone who might have a different approach from us, and as a family of very autonomous learners this proved difficult. I also found myself not fully immersed in the boys' activities as I was always taking pictures and thinking about the blog angle... not good!

But I love writing and I love this platform so the most honest thing for me to do is record my thoughts and our family journey. Not everyone is prepared to embrace a free range way of life and that's ok, but I have done so much soul searching, thinking and questioning these last few years that I would like to share the journey.
Other changes I have made are to the look of the blog and the removal of all ads as I felt slightly uncomfortable with them, I am also no longer affiliated with Amazon or any other sponsor.

A few thoughts on autonomy

After a few difficult situations I have found myself in, in these last few months, I thought it would be useful to write some of my thoughts down on the topic of autonomous learning.
I did not wake up one morning and decided: I will home educate! In fact I will eliminate any sort of structure and go for this groovy thing called Radical Unschooling!! This has been a very long and laborious process with a lot of thinking, reading and living involved. What I have at the moment is an outlook on life and my fellow humans that seems to work and helps to make us happy, creative and productive people.

So what are we doing exactly? My journey started with a very valuable book called The Continuum Concept, it argued that we have lost our connection to our basic human continuum and that the way we relate to babies and small children is extremely important, it is not up to us to decide what the baby needs, the baby knows, we just have to tune in. So breastfeeding, carrying in a sling or in arms, cosleeping, are all things a newborn human will expect. This idea of trusting my children (opposed to trusting a book from Waterstones) was so obvious and so revolutionary for someone like me who grew up relatively unattached from her parents. So attachment parenting was the next step but this didn't seem to go far enough. Why trust a baby but not a toddler? When my eldest was 2 I started feeling really panicky about sending him to school. He would still be so little, who would hug him if he was upset? Would anyone care? And by the age of 2 it was clear that Reuben was extremely self motivated, creative and very very sharp!! What were they going to do with him anyway? I looked at the curriculum for the reception year and he knew it all by the time he was 3. But this is not really relevant to my choices, it was just the spark the started the fire.

So we decided to home educate, from my experience as an English teacher for the British Council I knew I wouldn't write lesson plans or decide what the children were going to learn. The wonderful books by John Holt were very helpful and introduced me to the idea of Unschooling, trusting in the children's natural love of learning and giving them the space to pursue their own interests in their own time.
And this led to more thinking and reading... Alfie Kohn had made me think about unconditional love, about giving the children the respect they deserve and have a (human) right to. Jan Fortune-Wood made me think that this respect is all encompassing, that non coercion is the true way to go if I want to nurture free spirited children.
So every day I watch them, listen to them, feel with them and find solutions where everybody wins. I am trying to move away from a family unit where one (or both) parents holds all the power, in fact I am trying to move away from power struggles altogether. A problem comes up and we say: how can we solve it? What would make us all happy? Everyone's wishes are listened to, if Isaac doesn't want to take his pyjamas off, he can put a jumper over them and go out regardless. If Reuben wants to eat at a different time from the others, he should have the freedom to do so. If the children have their clothes on back to front I won't say anything as not to detract from the joy of having dressed themselves. If the biscuits are not shaped "properly" I will bake them as they are, because what is "properly" anyway? I feel a deep respect for all they say and do, if they ask me for an opinion or for help I will happily give it to them but I don't force my experience and opinions on them.

So it goes well beyond education, I didn't see how I could trust the children to know best when it comes to reading and writing and not know best with basic human functions like eating or sleeping. Or for anything else for that matter.

Normandy

We spent a week in Normandy recently, I will post more on the history and all the things the boys learnt, but I wanted to share some photos of our favourite things first.

Collecting shells

The cathedral in Bayeux

Decorating trees with shells

Music by the pool

Shells and sails

Analysing the tapestry at Bayeux

Chic playground in Coutances

Running on the beach

We stayed at La Coquerie so lots of poultry decor!

Little ninja at Mount St Michel

Supper with Ipad

One more shell

One very deep hole

Abbey courtyard at Mount St Michel, with swords!

Cool displays at Bayeux

Resting warriors, at Mount St Michel

Tag outside the cathedral in Bayeux

D-day landing beaches